I love you, I'm not leaving you, and don't you dare leave me
by RobronLassX
Summary: Robert is in turmoil after Aaron's fall. All alone, he reflects on his past, both in the village and away from it, and also on how much Aaron means to him. I'm rating this as M just be on the safe side. There's some sensitive topics, such as death, attempted suicide, and homophobia. There's also some swearing. If this upsets you. Don't read it.


**_Disclaimer: I don't own the character's, they belong to the soap Emmerdale. As do some of the conversations I have used in this one shot._**

'_**I love you. I'm not leaving you, and don't you dare leave me.'**_

Robert watched as the ambulance drove away through the woods, the blue lights flashing as it sped away to Hotten General.

Chas had went to the hospital with Aaron, and Robert had told Aaron he would see him as soon as he could.

He recalled the conversation between him and Chas as they put Aaron into the ambulance, cold and unresponsive.

'_You really do care about him.'_

'_Care about him? I don't just . . . I guess that's something we have in common.'_

He had almost admitted to Chas that he loved Aaron. And he did, he truly did love him, but he couldn't admit that to her, he wasn't ready to. He had also just tried to hit her across the head with a rock!

Even if Aaron hadn't called out . . .

The thought of Aaron not calling out sent chills down Robert's spine, and brought tears to his eyes. If Aaron hadn't called out, they might not have found him, it would have been too late.

Not for Chas, he wouldn't have hit her across the head with that rock, he wasn't like Cameron Murray. He wasn't a cold blooded serial killing psychopath. He was just impulsive, and never thought through his actions before he did them.

But it would have been too late for Aaron, he was one of the victims of his impulsive actions.

Katie's death was a tragic accident, he never meant it to end like that, all he wanted her to do was keep her mouth shut, and delete the photo of him kissing Aaron.

She pushed him into a corner, and he snapped. He only pushed her to try and scare her, he wouldn't have beat her up either, he wasn't like that.

But her falling, seeing her crashing through the floor and hearing her scream, and the noise of the floor as it fell through, haunted him every day.

Katie's scream rang in his ears now, and he covered them, trying to block it out. But he couldn't, how could he block something that was coming from inside his head?

But the devastation following Katie's death, was too much for him to bear.

The day of Katie's funeral, when Andy was at the quarry, in his car all alone. The quarry they had played at when they were little.

Andy was ready to die, and Aaron, his face as he looked in the front window of the car at him trying to talk Andy out of committing suicide. Aaron's eyes looked at him, like they had seen so many terrible things, and they had.

The words he had said to Andy in the car, at the edge, while looking Aaron directly in the eye.

The words were for both of them. Knowing what he had put them through.

'_If you're doing this then we're doing together, after everything I've done to you, maybe this is how it__ should end, maybe I deserve it.' _

The guilt of knowing what he had put them through, even he wondered for a minute whether death would be a preferable option, he was struggling to live with the guilt even now. The guilt that he had ruined three lives. He didn't care about his life in that moment, at the quarry.

He had made Katie's, Andy's and Aaron's lives a misery.

Right up until the day she died, he had made Katie's life hell.

And her death had thrown Aaron and Andy into a living hell.

The fireworks Chas, Vanessa and Leyla they saw from the quarry lit up his mind, and he remembered when he thought Aaron had disappeared. He had never felt anything like that in his life. The terror, the panic, the tears that had been threatening to overspill while he was talking to Andy, nearly burst out of him. He completely panicked, thought Aaron had actually jumped. He had looked around for him and couldn't see him anywhere.

Then Andy got out the car and he had to stop him. He was terrified that he would have two bodies at the bottom of the quarry, the bodies of the people who he loved more than anyone in the world.

Then Andy asked Aaron how he felt when he lost Jackson, and Robert felt a second of relief when he saw Aaron reappear from behind the car.

_**Flashback**_

'_Aaron, please don't let him!'_

'_So come on then, you've been through this. Surely you've got summat to say, some reason why I shouldn't do it.' _

'This is your decision, you make it.'

'_But it wasn't with Katie? Was it? Your decision? You couldn't have done anything, none of us could! Do you think Katie would have chosen to see you hurting like this? Well?!' _

'_No.'_

'_Well then come home! Don't run away, live your life!_

'_I don't need to kill myself. I'm already dead. I died with her.' _

_**Flashback ends**_

Robert choked back a sob as he remembered Andy saying that, he was the one who had caused Andy to feel this way, and yet he was the one convincing him life was still worth living that night.

He was in his own living hell, and it was everywhere he went. He couldn't escape it, he just had to look into the eyes of his niece Sarah, or Victoria's eyes, and the devastation almost tore him apart.

But he had no one to turn to, because Aaron was in hospital, because of his impulsive actions that had caused so much heartache, for his family, for Katie's friends, for Aaron, and the repercussions of that were still happening.

It had set of a chain of events that he was powerless to stop.

Robert couldn't show his feelings to anyone, and right now, he felt so alone.

He couldn't tell Chrissie, she didn't give a shit about the way he felt. She proved that the day she forced him to leave his mother's memorial because Lawrence had faked another heart murmur.

'_I'm sorry your day got ruined, really I am! But your mother is fourteen years gone, and luckily for me, my father is still here!' _

She really was the most insensitive bitch he had ever met, but then she was just like father. He was just as insensitive as she was for faking the heart attack in the first place!

The pair of them rubbed it in, and he was just supposed to put up with it.

The first time he had visited his Mum's grave in nine years, and they spoiled it for him, not to mention Andy, Victoria and little Sarah.

His strong, courageous niece who had been through so much, and baby Jack, both named after the parents he loved, and missed so much.

The tears escaped as he remembered them now, but he wiped them away.

He wished they were still alive now, so he could talk to them. About Aaron, about how close he came to losing him today, about how much he loved him, and how much he was struggling with who he was.

He knew Sarah would accept him for who he was, and reassure him that no matter who he loved, she would still love him, because he was her son.

But would Jack accept him? All he went on about was his boys working on the farm, and having wives and children, and continuing the Sugden legacy of working on the land, like they had done for generations.

Andy had done exactly what Jack had wanted, not perfectly, but he had.

He and Katie were going to buy Wylie's farm, they had remarried, and Andy had Sarah and Jack, and was an amazing Dad to them.

The only thing Andy had now was his children.

Robert had done the exact opposite of what Jack wanted. He hadn't wanted to work on the farm, so he got a job selling agricultural machinery, and was now the Estate Manager at Home Farm. He was rich, successful, had a nice car and a big house, but he still didn't have the respect he craved, and Chrissie didn't love him. She treated him like dirt, and so did Lawrence. He had bent over backwards for them, and they just didn't care.

Memories were flashing before Robert's eyes now. It was as if the memories he had blocked out and tried hard to forget had been turned on like a tap and they were gushing out and he couldn't stop them.

The flames flickered in his mind as he remembered seeing the barn on fire, the one Sarah died in after Andy set it alight. He remembered shouting for his Mum and trying to stop Jack going in as well. But Jack went in regardless.

Robert remembered his words as he and Andy watched Jack come out, without Sarah, his legs were on fire and choking.

'_Where's Mum?! Where is she?! Dad! Where's Mum?!' _

Before Jack could answer, the explosion had blew them off their feet, Andy lay there for a few seconds, stunned, and then stood up. Robert stood up as well, and both of them stared at the fire raging, and knew their mother wouldn't have survived the explosion.

The conversation he had with Andy after Miss Strickland's death, came back to him.

_**Flashback**_

'_I can't close my eyes.'_

'_Shh. Don't.' _

'_Thanks for kipping with me. I'll tell Dad we were listening to music.' _

'_I wish we had been.'_

_Robert let out a sob. _

'_Did it feel this bad after what happened with Mum?' _

'_I tried to block it all out, but, all my memories are bad ones. Robert, if I hadn't been born . . . ' _

'_I pity you. I really do. But I can't help hating you. What have we done?' _

_**Flashback ends**_

He knew how Andy felt, all his memories were bad ones too, and he couldn't block them out with any good ones, because there weren't any.

Robert remembered hearing about Jack's death.

He had just started working for Lawrence a few months before he heard what had happened, and he remembered getting the call from Diane.

He was in his flat in Liverpool, and his mobile rang. He saw it was Diane, and he rolled his eyes and rejected her call. He wasn't in the mood to talk to her.

She kept ringing, and he began to worry . . .

_**Flashback**_

_He picked up. He was watching football on the TV, and he muted it._

'_Hello?'_

'_Robert . . .' _

_He heard Diane's voice shaking, like she was crying. Now he was really worried, and scared of what she was going to say._

'_What's happened?' _

'_It's your Dad, pet. Annie called. He's had a heart attack over in Spain.'_

'_What?! Is he OK?!' _

'_No love, they did everything they could, but he died this afternoon. I'm so sorry!'_

_Her voice broke into a sob, and Robert struggled to comprehend what he had been told._

'_What?'_

'_Your Dad, he's dead, Robert.'_

_Robert hung up, and sat in shock. _

_Then the crippling grief took hold of him, and before he knew what he was doing, he had trashed his flat .He had collapsed in a heap in his kitchen, crying his eyes out for his Dad. Who he hadn't seen in four years, and now he was dead._

'_I'm so sorry, Dad! I'm sorry! Please don't be dead!'_

_**Flashback ends**_

Robert remembered when he left Emmerdale. The last time he saw Jack alive, and also when he and Andy caused the death of Max King by trying to kill each other. His memories of that day were crystal clear. He would never forget that day.

_**Flashback **_

'_Is that all you can say?! Just go and don't come back?! Is that all I get Dad?'_

'_It's what you wanted! You're on your own son!' _

'_I'll see you then.'_

'_Just . . . go on.' _

'_I'm sorry Dad. I never meant for everything to turn out like it did . . . I . . . eh . . . I don't really know what happened. Just . . .'_

'_Let us know where you are. When you're settled in somewhere. That's all. Only if you want to.' _

'_Robert. I don't hate you.' _

_**Flashback ends**_

Robert. I don't hate you. The last words Jack ever said to him. He knew his Dad didn't hate him, and he knew his Dad loved him, but what he didn't know was whether his Dad liked him.

He would never know now. And it was one of the many things about Jack he wished he knew. He really did miss out when he left, and that hurt him.

More than Andy and Victoria would ever know, they both had longer with Jack. He couldn't relate to some of the memories they had of Jack, because he hadn't been there for them.

Robert didn't hate Jack either, but the resentment for sending him away from the village was still there. It wasn't as strong as it used to be, but sending him away, where he had no one, where no one cared how he felt. He couldn't forgive him for that.

The words he said to Jack when Andy accidentally shot him came into his head. Jack was bleeding to death in front of him.

'_I'm not leaving you, and don't you dare leave me.'_

He also told his Dad he loved him.

Jack being shot was his fault, Andy had wanted to shoot him, because he was having an affair with Katie. He knew that.

Just like Aaron's accident today was his fault.

He came so close to losing Jack that day, and today, he could have lost Aaron too.

At least when Jack was in hospital, he could go there and hold his hand. He couldn't do that with Aaron, Chas wasn't going to let him near the hospital. She would most likely call Chrissie and tell her everything if he showed up.

She had told him she was going to bring his world crashing down around him tomorrow. She was going to tell Chrissie all about the affair with Aaron. She really was a stupid interfering bitch.

Did she really want to do that to him? He had been alone all night, freezing cold, with a broken ankle and a cut to the head, he'd been unconscious and unresponsive, he could have DIED. Yet all she cared about was outing them both to Chrissie.

But Robert remembered Aaron calling his name when he got to him. The relief he felt knowing Aaron was OK, that was what dragged him from the depths of despair. Aaron was the only good thing in his life, and he made him a better person. It was down to Aaron that he reconciled with his family on Christmas Day, Chrissie didn't care about him reconciling with anyone, it was all about her and her son and her Dad. His family didn't matter to her.

On their wedding day, she was upset that he had brought his traumatised brother back to Home Farm after his wife had just died.

_**Flashback**_

'_He shouldn't even be here. He should be with his family.'_

'_I am his family.'_

'_So why was I the one left holding his hand in there?' _

'_Dad said they were arguing like anything in the pub.'_

'_Yeah well, we're always biting each other's heads off.'_

'_But you haven't got a history of violence against women.'_

'_Will you just say anything to get rid of him?!' _

'_We have no idea what happened!'_

'_I know what I saw when I got there! You can't fake that kind of grief!'_

'_No, I know. I'm not saying that. I'm sure it was an accident, I'm just, you know, I've got a right to ask questions at least.'_

'_Don't make me choose. Wedding or not I'm gonna choose him. He's got nothing.' _

'_I need a shower.'_

'_While I go and sit with your brother.'_

'_At least he's still alive, I've just had to sit with Katie.'_

_**Flashback ends**_

Aaron was nothing like her. He was the polar opposite in every way possible. He cared about Robert's family, and he had proved that time after time.

It was that he thought of now, in the car. He couldn't drive back yet. He was shaken up, angry, confused, frightened, upset and lonely.

And just like that, Aaron's face popped into his mind. It was New Year's Day, and Lachlan had just been rushed to hospital after he and Belle had taken a legal high. He remembered Aaron's words to him.

'_Listen, you can talk to me. You know that.'_

He wanted to talk to him, right now more than ever.

All these feelings were fighting for his attention, and he wanted to talk to Aaron, right now, but he couldn't.

He couldn't fight them anymore, Robert lost control, and he put his head in his hands, and cried. He cried for Aaron, he cried for his parent's, he cried for Andy, Victoria and Diane, he cried for Katie, and he cried for himself.

Tears streamed down his face, and he couldn't stop them. Fourteen years of misery finally caught up with him, he couldn't run away from it anymore.

He didn't know what to do, he didn't know who he could talk to. He couldn't keep living this life, that made him feel this much pain and heart ache, and caused so much heartache and pain for everyone he cared about.

Aaron. He wasn't just his lover, he was his only friend too. The only friend in this village that he despised. And truly the only person that cared about him at all. But the village, where he was born, where he had grew up, Aaron was the only one that made it bearable, without him. He couldn't have stayed, not even for his family.

They weren't a perfect match, but that's why they worked. They came from two separate worlds that have clashed together. They were perfectly imperfect. And that was what Robert loved about Aaron, like him, he had his faults, but Aaron was perfect to him.

Aaron was someone Robert could be himself around, they had a deep understanding that he had never experienced with anyone else, not even Katie.

He was the only person who understood what he was feeling. Aaron had been through it, struggling with being gay.

He loved Aaron so much. Aaron had told him what Paddy had said when he came out to him. It was like Paddy had been talking to him too.

'_At some point you're going to fall in love Aaron, it starts off with flirting, and you wanna spend most of your time with them, and your heart skips a beat when they walk into a room.'_

Robert wiped the tears from his eyes, he had tried to stop himself falling in love with Aaron, but it was like an unstoppable force. He couldn't do anything about it, Aaron consumed his every thought from the day Ross stole his car and led him straight to Aaron. He found Aaron's no nonsense approach very attractive from the off.

'_I don't negotiate with idiots.'_

'_Oh really? That's alright, negotiate with me.'_

He remembered something else Aaron had told him that Paddy had said.

'_Do you really wanna deny that for yourself? That feeling that you might die because you love someone SO much?'_

He didn't want to deny himself that, but he had no choice. He loved Aaron so much that his life wouldn't be worth anything without him.

But he couldn't come out, not now not ever.

Away from the village, he had wanted to come out.

He had been working for Lawrence for about a year. He had never been attracted to Lawrence, he had liked him, got along with him. But he was never attracted to him. It had been all about Lawrence's money.

But the fact he, like Lawrence, was attracted to men, made it easier to get Lawrence to bring him into his circle of friends. The flattery, the laughing at his jokes, the flirting, hadn't been hard to do. He made him think there was something there, an attraction. He sucked up to him.

But his colleagues, who were older and more experienced at their jobs. They knew. They knew he wasn't pretending.

Katie's words that she said to him on the day she died, rang in his ears.

'_Now who's the village bike?'_

'_Wow, you really are stuck to the back of that closet, aren't you?'_

'_I think I'd remember if I had a gay phase, Robert.'_

The guys he used to work with were much worse than Katie was, they were cruel. Cruel beyond words.

He'd had to convince them that he was pretending, that he was just doing it to get Lawrence to promote him.

He began wooing Chrissie, she had divorced Don just recently. She was easy to manipulate, another trait she shared with Lawrence. He wasn't attracted to her either. She was a spoilt little Daddy's girl who was used to getting her own way. He hated Lawrence, he hated Chrissie, Lachlan was totally screwed up. Rebecca, Chrissie's sister, she was actually nice, which came as a huge surprise to him considering she was a White.

He put up with the White's, but the way Chrissie and Lawrence spoiled his mother's memorial. THAT was the last straw. He just snapped.

If Aaron and Ross hadn't stole his Audi, and he hadn't blackmailed them into staging a robbery at Home Farm, he wouldn't have told Aaron how upset he was at missing his Mum's memorial.

_**Flashback **_

'_What? Don't you like free stuff that isn't on four wheels?'_

'_Are you actually that desperate to impress him that you actually have to pay people to let you hit them?'_

'_Oh no, the hitting's the least of it. You deserve that for my car. Go on, before I change my mind and make that call. Actually, you really wanna know?'_

'_I really don't.' _

'_Well I'm gonna tell you anyway, because I'm not having you, a thief, coming here and judging me._

'_Listen, don't worry about it.'_

'_I want his respect. I've earned it. Ten times over, but he doesn't give it out, cos he's all about making you dance to his tune. Like last week when I was about to pay my respect for my dead mother and he was busy faking a heart attack! I never got to in the end.'_

_Robert saw the sympathy in Aaron's eyes, and he was confused. Why had he just blurted out his feelings to him like that? He was one of the guys that nicked his car!_

_So he did what he did best and went on the attack._

'_I'll also enjoy smacking you in the face.'_

'_Oh enjoy it, because you won't get another free one.'_

_**Flashback ends**_

That was where it all started, really. He was like a moth to the flame. He couldn't keep away. He wanted Aaron.

He knew he was in trouble the minute he had kissed Aaron in the layby, after pretending his car had broken down.

Robert cried even more, remembering this now. He loved Aaron, and he truly did want to be with him.

But the guys he had worked with, they had shown him exactly what he stood to lose. It wasn't even about the money, the car or the house. Yeah, it was a bonus. But they had cruelly shown him the respect he would lose if he ever did try and come out.

Everyone would do what they did, his family would hate him. They were fine with Aaron being gay, but they wouldn't be fine if it was much closer to home. If it was him that was gay. His family would despise him as much as he loathed himself.

But Aaron, could he give him up?

There was no point in asking himself that. Of course he couldn't. Aaron was his world. And without him, life would be constantly cold, bleak, and empty.

Aaron was the only light in his otherwise dark and lonely existence.

He was in too deep now. He couldn't lose the best part of himself. To lose him. To lose Aaron for good. It was too painful to even think about.

But that fear that Aaron would finally have had enough, and turn his back on him for good. The thought left him paralysed with fear.

Would Aaron wait for him?

After all, he had eventually come to terms with the fact he loved Aaron. It took him months. He had loved Aaron way before his wedding day.

'_Cos I love ya, and I think you feel the same.' _

He hadn't been ready to hear it, he had been terrified that he felt this like for another man. He hated it. It had petrified him. But he knew why it had happened, why he had fell in love with Aaron.

With the guys he went with as one night stands, he didn't know them, they didn't know him. There was no emotions. It was just meaningless sex. They were always while he was on business, and he would never see them again. A waiter in a restaurant, some random guy in a bar.

But with Aaron, it was different. He had allowed himself to let his guard down around him, and he couldn't have got away from him even if he had wanted to. They lived in the same village. They would be have bumped into each other regardless.

He loved Aaron, and he wouldn't leave him. He realised that now. A life without Aaron in it, that wasn't a life. Not to him.

He just had to hope that Aaron wouldn't leave him, and would wait for him.


End file.
